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October 20:
The past two days have been a real rollercoaster, but mostly felt depressed.
I had no ideas, and I couldn’t even consume media — after just five minutes,
my mind would spiral back into frustration. I played my drum, and I learned some salsa dancing.
In the late afternoon, I went to a nearby town with my cousin so we could give a gift to one of our friends.
It felt unusually cold for October, at least to me. We stopped by the tobacco shop to grab some drinks,
and on the way out, walking between the apartment blocks, it hit me how valuable these little moments are.
“Sometimes I get this feeling like this is all just a dream, but it’s beautiful to walk among my fellow
humans between the blocks in the cold autumn air, and suddenly realize that life itself — its very existence —
is a miracle. And it’s so beautiful.”
October 17:
Azahriah – Skatulya 2 — I feel like here he lets us see a glimpse of his raw self.
To me, this doesn’t feel like he’s playing a role, unlike some of his earlier works (pullup, bakkpakk).
It seems like he’s looking at himself from a higher perspective now; something deep has changed here.
I like this project.
I ordered a few books written by András Feldmár. I tried a few things in the last few days:
new recipes (classic apple pie, Asian honey chicken), new techniques, making videos just for experimenting.
Not with much success, but I feel stuck, and I know breaking from that means trying new things.
I bought a lot of things I don’t need — I should look at my possessions and sell or trash some.
October 15: I don’t want to be something. What should I create if I have infinite possibilities, and long for that perfect, unique thing no one has ever thought of? Every leaf is perfect, after all. But that lies outside of me — I can’t control it. And by thinking that, I end up creating nothing. Would that be the perfect thing then? I’m betraying my soul. Music and helping others makes me cry. I’m still lying — but at least now, I sometimes notice it.
October 13:
I came across a documentary about
David Lynch and Transcendental Meditation
— I find the guy interesting. He introduced me to this practice that I had never heard of before.
“I can’t understand anyone, but I can love without understanding.
And that’s where the magic of psychotherapy lies. The healing is in how I treat it.”
– András Feldmár
October 10: Scary thoughts have been coming up for a long time, and I've never understood why I was given this trait by God. For example, that my mom dies in a car accident, our house burns down, or my cat gets caught by a dog. For a long time, I tried the method of letting these thoughts go — it helped, but somehow it still didn’t feel resolved. Then I found another method, similar, but something about it finally clicked. I should treat these thoughts like advertisements — something I can’t really do anything about; they’ll come, and I just have to click them away and move on.
October 2: Notes from a trip — It's not a problem that I have a wide range of interests — just that consuming all these topics in the form of YouTube videos shouldn't drain all my energy. I want to be honest with myself, please allow me that. My hand already knows how to be honest, but my voice doesn't. I don't want to say things the right way anymore. I want to share what I have with the people around me. It's like I've woken up from a dream. It's always been my thing that “it's already over,” that I no longer feel the feeling as intensely as I did back then — does that make it less important? Why would I want to cling to it? My refuge is the other world where there are no words. You can't connect and understand everything, and it's pointless to suffer because of that. Writing in English feels protective.